As I have been sifting through research on divergency and creative possibilities for my PhD research in filmmaking, (I am studying how to bring a therapeutic model into filmmaking to find out if it can offer conditions for better inclusivity and creative possibility) I have been reflecting on the sources of my learnings on this subject over the years. Here we go..
Well, first it was teaching in inner city Birmingham back in the early 1990s. I was lucky to teach in Balsall Heath and Handsworth. My classes were full of children of different cultures, backgrounds and different learning styles. I remember the outreach person at the end of my first term of teaching asking me how I did it. 'How I do what?' I asked. 'How you reach all these children and they are so happy'. She had seen them coming from the infant school and couldn't believe how settled and responsive the whole class were with me. Well, I guess I listened with all my senses and wanted to find a way for each of them. In the end, after five years and with a looming inspection I just couldn't do it anymore. The hyper focus that was my neurodiverse instrument of power to connect burnt me out.
I left my teaching in Birmingham days with a note from the governors of the school thanking me for my work there and saying that what I brought to teaching was 'a rare and valuable gift'. Inside I felt like a failure and knew I would never be able to operate at this level inside a human-made system again. The human made systems of education didn't give me the breathing space and freedom I needed to cope with overwhelm.
It has taken me years of study and self reflection to realise that the level of multi-sensory neurodivergency I operate at has to be carefully managed in order for me not to get stuck. I was lucky to have had the acknowledgment that it is a valuable gift so that I could come back from the sense of failure and find a way to give myself the permission to find my own way. I am lucky to have connected to deeply and effectively with the children I worked with back in that time. What I knew then was that we were all diverse together. Those children (I remember every single one of them vividly) showed me how to listen and learn. Their families welcomed me with a warm inclusion that sent me off on trips to other continents to wonder at the different ways we have around the world.
Another source of great learning is my work with the constellation work that I teach and hold sessions in. As a form of systemic therapy it allows me to visit places through time where systems have let people down. This has created illness and divisions that get passed down. I have stood in the face of religions, institutions, health bodies, councils, laws against homosexuality, equality of skin colours and restricting laws about freedom of choice. All kinds of rigid belief systems and jaw dropping rules about what we can and cannot do have been faced. With the same micro-focus I have tracked and then stood with these forces, left them with accountability and in turn have helped bring compassion, love and visibility to the oppressed. In these invisible ancestral archives I have had lessons from the ancestors about the legacy that we inherit today and have a vision of what can be possible.
In the final workshop of the two year constellation practitioner training last month, we held a group constellation on the subject of our planet's needs and neurodiversity. It was incredible. We also had human systems old and new in the constellation and the ancient and new humans. I still remember the representative for neurodiversity and the representative for the earth and their devotion to one another. Neurodiversity showed us how they were in tune with the true flow of creativity and the vision of the earth. It was their lead that helped the constellation to come into a place of hope. I have the incredible image of neurodivergence leaning onto the shoulder of earth and earth whispering into neurodivergence's ear etched in my memory (Thank you Emma JW and Karen CW). When I feel anxiety about what might be happening in the apparent world today, I hold onto this memory. My work with the research and my continuance to hold spaces for these constellation theatres of healing makes me feel like I am doing something to help and giving people tools to help too.
Pluralistic counselling and all of its research is the third source of my learning. That there are many ways to reach many people and that we can give people choices and be open to provide the methods for their choices is principle here. It is the model I will be bringing to my study within the film industry.
I am wondering how the next three years will go. The impact of travel, motorways or hectic trains overstimulates me and drains my system. Being in a city environment for too long without nature can start to bring flashing images into my brain. Even with a body protector (I play with different qualities to have around my aura), meditation, yoga, running along the riverside, making sure I have days that aren't timetabled, I still get extremely wired. The task of changing from one routine of life to another and bridging into a new lifestyle and career with uncertainty and the stresses of risk amps up the nervous system so the multi-sensory alertness is stronger.
It's incredibly hard, but it's no harder than it is for all the other people who have special or un-catered for needs in the world. My double Aries sun and moon gifts me with the (perhaps delusional but it works!) attitude that I am a warrior making it through wars to bring a model of peace to the land. I know, it's laughable but it does give me a character I can play that helps me through. When I get overwhelmed, I spend days in hiding. I don't ring my mother or my friends because I need to be grounded in myself to be able to have everyday conversations. But it's ok. It's the way I am and I am learning every day.
Because beneath all of this I am happy. I am happy because I know that Divergency is a way-shower. I know beyond all doubt that I am living my truth in this lifetime and I am living with the truth of what needs changing. I know that also we are a majority and that in speaking up and asking people about their needs and preferences others can speak up too.
Also, the divergent way-showers always have the earth whispering to them in their ear. What's not to love there.
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